I am happily married. My husband is patient, thoughtful, attentive, hard-working, and kind. My wedding was far from perfect, but I got to do something most brides don't: married the love of my heart and saw families heal and unite in spite of imperfections. I am beyond blessed and I should be the happiest girl on the face of the earth.

Yet I am plagued with insecurity, anxiety, doubt, listlessness, depression. On the whole, I am unhappy. My mom preaches that we should choose joy. It is not as simple as making a choice. That choice is fraught with obstacles, the biggest one being myself. How do I choose joy when it feels like my heart is muted, blurred, sinking? I am faced again with the challenge of dying to myself.

My ankle bears ink 6 years old declaring "sacrifice". Luke 9:23 is forever etched into my skin, reminding me that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice and I am to take up my cross and bear it daily...for Him. I firmly believe that Jesus gives life abundantly, in the here and now. However, I also see that Paul had a thorn in his side, one he requested to be removed. Thst request was denied.

Mental illness is not something that is easily alleved. It permeates every part of life and alienates you from others. It can be assuaged with medication and therapy, but the fact of the matter is, it will remain a thorn in my side for life. The only remedy is to choose joy. The only way to choose joy is to die to myself, over and over again, every day.