I should be finishing up research for my essay but I can't concentrate. 1, because I have self-diagnosed adult ADD. And 2, because the constant changes in life are overwhelming me again in polar ways. There are so many beautiful things about my life and yet there are so many painful realizations made and lessons being learned that sometimes I feel like I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

The most beautiful thing about my life is Bobbie. He is a great guy, he is so good to me, and he loves me more than anything. And in turn, I love him more than anything. Days when I feel this I am so thankful to be alive and I feel God's love so clearly and serenely. I still can't believe that I have a fiance who is as amazing as he is and that I get to spend the rest of my life with him. Being loved right changes you, even the way you carry yourself. I was grocery shopping for the house I work at yesterday and walking through the store I just felt LOVED, even though I hadn't talked to Bobbie or seen him in a couple hours. It just hits me like that sometimes. It's a wonderful gift and nothing compares to it.

And I am so blessed to have the job that I do. I have great co-workers and an understanding boss. And though it took months, I love my clients. One of them calls me even on my days off, and she took the time and money to get me a birthday present this past week. I miss my clients at IPS like crazy but I am very blessed to have the ones I have now.

At the same time, my job is hard. First it was hard because it was a decrease in pay and I didn't have my old group from IPS. And then Danny died. No counseling was available to me and the only recognition I got for taking care of the situation was a coffee cup and some creamer, paid for by leftover money from Danny's fund. And then Kerri died. Thankfully she is at peace and in no more pain. I got to see her take her last breath and it was so bittersweet; THAT is how death should be. And yet it hurts to know that she is not with us anymore even though we all knew she could go at anytime. This part makes me hate my job. I never signed up for any of this; working in this field was a temporary thing until I went back to Grad School. I wasn't even supposed to stay in Redding beyond a year. But things happened and here I am, in Redding for the long haul and probably in this field for the long haul.

I miss my old life sometimes. It's not as bad as it used to be, especially since visiting friends and family make me realize how much I have changed and how I truly belong here with Bobbie and my new friends and family in Redding. I miss being in school, but I'm in school now and I hate it. I'm not even sure I want to be a teacher. It will be low pay for high stress and if I can get into a management position at this company then I will get to help write ISPs and teach and train, which is all the stuff I love. Teaching elementary school was partly because I'm good at it and partly because I wanted to make a difference in peoples' lives. Well, I am doing that now. Taking care of Danny and Kerri was an honor, especially since we had to watch Kerri die. I got to be a part of her life being so much better. This is a job not many people can do, but plenty of people are trying to become teachers. So much so that the state of California is still having to lay off teachers at the end of every school year. Becoming a teacher is now a back-up plan and me being smart; I already have a degree, can teach, and will have medical benefits and a career as a teacher. Yet I will be working long hours, away from my family, and all in the midst of trying to START a family. It will be hard if I ever get into teaching, but I'm trying to be smart about it. Hating school, though, is a strange concept to me and an even stranger feeling. I still might quit, unless God has other plans for me.

Lastly, my relationship with God feels so strong and so weak at the same time. For once in my life I am LIVING out the type of Christian life I always felt called to. I am taking care of people, I am making sacrifices, I am there for people when they need me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Yet my morals don't exactly feel godly. I don't go to church. I hardly ever read the Bible. And I don't ever have prayer time. I pray all the time, but I don't carve out time for God, even though I was created for him and was meant to be in communion with him.

Life is full of black and white ideas, concepts, and feelings, making for very gray truths. The funny thing is that this seems to balance me out, and it is in times like these that I feel the most loved, the most blessed, and the most grateful for everything in my life. I feel like I'm growing and learning and I get excited about change instead of fearing it as usual. This all goes back to what CD and VZ and Malandra taught me, that life is not black and white; it is ambiguous and it is beautiful.