Today something happened regarding my credentialling program that ended up making me cry. Really, really hard. What happened is irrelevant; how it changed my way of thinking is.

I got to thinking: it's time for a change. And I mean a positive change. My life in the past year has been a roller coaster of alternate realities not even the Twilight Zone can rival. The job changes, the changes within the jobs, Danny passing away, my ridiculously priced ticket, being sick, school being hell...what makes it so hard is that even after the particular traumatic event passes, my heart is still left hurting and I'm damaged psychologically even more than I was before. That is life, I understand that and as hard as it is to deal with I will come to grips with it in at least one of my alternate realities.

In the meantime, I am wondering what signs, what lessons, what messages have been zooming over my head, in one ear and out the other...yeah you get the point. If I am supposed to teach, am I supposed to teach Special Education? And if so, should I be going to a different school, where I can interact with students and professors and have study sessions and a library available to me? Specifically, if I am going to go to school then shouldn't I be getting the school experience that made me love it so much? If I am not supposed to teach Special Education, then is that service coordinator job for me? Or should I stay exactly where I am, as a part-time DSP, and work my way up the Bethesda ladder, or at least wait until I get a full-time position? And if all of that is not to be, then have I really come full circle and should go back to school for English?

Whatever I do, I need money. That's the sad part. If I could, I would go to school forever and work as a part-time DSP right alongside it so I could pay the bills. I would have kids and be at home with them when I could and work when I needed to. But money does not have to rule my life. I still have the choice to live a happy, fulfilling life where I am helping people and showing God's love. The most important thing is that I am doing it in the way God designed for me to, and not only to be happy or have an easy life. There is more to life than "happy" and "easy". And yet, the bills still need to be paid.

Career and schooling aside, it is making me think about my writing. I have been reading on Facebook about everyone getting to go to Ireland, working for publishing companies, writing grants, and talking to Aimee Bender (!!!!). I was most certainly not the best writer but I WAS part of an amazing writing community and was encouraged by at least a few of them to continue on with my writing. It couldn't hurt anything or anyone to keep writing and then submit my works to different magazines. It'll at least give me something to do, in addition to Brieanna's blog. As I said in the last entry, writing is a way of life for me. It is an outlet, both creatively and emotionally. It is a way to communicate with people. It's entertainment. It can be light and funny or deep and soul-searching, diving into the depths of humanity and the joys and tragedies of life. Whether other people read it or not, and whether I get paid for it or not, it is a part of me and something I should be doing anyway.

So, as always, getting screwed over and crying my eyes out til my nose leaked all over my fiance (ah, love) has actually turned into my professional life actually looking up for the first time in a long time. Life sucks and it's beautiful.