Ambiguity.

I have written about the inevitability of ambiguity in life before...and I have to write about it again because it is such a novel idea to me still. How can something so painful and traumatic at the same time make me feel loved and appreciate life more? How can something so incredibly beautiful make me so scared, all at once?

My client died when I was on shift three weeks ago. It was one of the worst things that ever happened to me, and I have been through a LOT of crazy stuff. But it has made me think about so many important things I haven't thought about for a long time: life, death, the meaning of both, the meaning of truly living for God, being ok with the path my life has taken.

I have always had such big, big dreams for my life. I wanted to make a significant difference in the world. I don't feel like I'm doing much difference-making...but this is where I am supposed to be. It's another situation of ambiguity...how is it that God's plan could be to put you in a small job in a small town with very few friends and still have you right where He wants you?

Part of me feels like because I am not in ministry, not a missionary, not going to church, that I am not impacting people for Christ. But all around me there are signs that God is still working through me: loving my boyfriend, talks with my Christian co-worker, support for the few friends I do have here, the work I do with my clients. In fact, being out of the Biola/Christian environment has challenged my faith a lot and I think I am more effective now than I was when iw as studying theology all the time and teaching Sunday School every week. Because now I actually have the opportunity to share love with people who haven't had a whole lot of it in their lives before. I get to show people what true friendship is, when all they've experienced is backstabbing.

So it all goes back to how God works, and how His ways are higher than ours and...how ambiguous life really is.