Civil War

I am at a point that feels very strange; I feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice, looking down, but being held back on steady ground by a rope. The rope is not secure and I am holding a giant, goofy-looking pair of scissors and very tempted to cut the rope just so I can give myself a break from the torture of having to look down and the agony of staying on steady ground with every muscle in my body tensed. My ever-dueling Pisces personalities are at war with one another and I can't tell which one will win in the end.

I didn't know that hope and despair could co-exist.

Yet I'm doing it; I'm feeling the beauty of each new day when I wake up while also feeling like I want to turn out a big light switch somewhere and stay in bed for all of eternity. I don't want death, just a quiet and dark existence. I think I am afraid of continuing on because it means more and bigger mistakes are still mine to make. It's a part of life that I know is natural but feels unnatural. Still I feel like the pain we experience as a result of our mistakes is worth the growth and deepening that comes after the fact. This is what it's like to fight to be a whole person.

Life is a struggle from the time we take our first breath to the time we gasp for our last. War is a necessary evil in all parts of life, as much as I hate to admit it. Peace is good, but war is an unavoidable necessity that comes, sometimes, more naturally than peace. All of life is standing on a precipice and fighting the urge to cut the rope. It fighting outside forces as well as the most devastating sort of all, the negativity and darkness in our own hearts and minds that can be more debilitating than anything another will do to you. Life, at least for a Pisces, is a civil war with one self.

But, as I said before, it's so worth it in the end. It's taking what little bit of a person I am and stretching it in all directions, filling in the gaps and crevices with experience, love, and wisdom. It's anything but pleasant, but empowering to step back and realize that you are grabbing life's bull by the horns and actually growing.