Church

Church used to be the only thing I ever wanted to do. In jr. high and high school I wrote for the Newsletter, led worship, taught Sunday School, and helped out wherever I could. I LOVED church, and I loved the people at church.

But when I got to college, I was sick of it. I had been burned, personally, by several peers and even pastors. I'd been snubbed and forgotten, had money stolen from me, and excluded from several events. I was never popular or spiritual enough, never a good enough singer, never charismatic or outgoing enough. 

I realize the importance of church, now more than ever. I crave fellowship and good teaching, times of worship, being in a ministry. I actually want those things. 

But I keep finding reasons not to go church. First it was people: I was sick of being treated poorly. Then it was teaching: nothing compared to the theological training I got at Biola. Then it was ministry: churches in Redding don't seem to focus on the types of ministries I feel are important and biblical. 

Is this simply a spiritual attack or is there more to it? Something in me that just doesn't want to go back? I'm not sure; I've gotten good advice from friends and my mom on why it's important to go church and what it means to be in a good church. Without loads of Biola friends around and professors to chat with, I'm in desperate need of Christian fellowship. As busy as my job keeps me, I know I need to minister to others. A co-worker told me some pretty bad stuff about her childhood and how new information keeps cropping up. We were talking about Hell, and Bible-College Janelle didn't have answers for her. I need to get back to a place where I'm thinking and talking about this stuff all the time. 

If anyone's reading this, please pray for me. I'm still struggling to find a place between Holier-Than-Thou and Sinner. Even as I'm typing this I know there's not an easy answer, if an answer at all. I at least need to get to a place where I'm more comfortable with the ambiguity of spirituality.