It Calls to Me

I went to Russia for three weeks the summer after I turned 18, just five days before I went to college. It was a life-changing experience for me; it was the first time I thought, I could do this forever.

It was, of course, largely ineffective for the folks we went for and a completely selfish experience. Nevertheless, it set me on a path to becoming an overseas missionary. The further I got from that experience the more I realized I wanted to do it because I felt heroic. That's when I stopped believing I was called to be an overseas missionary and became enveloped in my sense of obligation. Once I shelved that as well I saw teaching as my passion, regardless of what age group.

But I often think of Russia. I cannot shake it. With all I've learned in Anthropology and my experience as an English language teacher, I wonder how it might be different if I went back to the tiny village of Leninsk and taught English. I would still be doing something I love as well as well as something I feel called to (which is still essentially teaching).

Part of what haunts me is that we were worshiped as Americans, and we reveled in it. I'm terrible at correspondence, and no one from my team talks to anyone we met in Russia. I think I want to make things right with them, let them know that we loved them and I care about them still, praying for them often. Their simplicity and genuine love for God touched me and I never told them that. Getting a hold of them is difficult because of how closed off Russia is becoming and my inability to get in touch with anyone from my team who might have addresses in Leninsk.

Even if these "callings" are in part fueled by guilt, I don't think they negate my desire to go back and teach. There is so much time in life that I probably could do that and still go to Grad school (and get my ASL interpreting certificate, and teach in L.A., and move to Austin...).

At any rate, it is causing me to pray more fervently and read Scriptures more regularly, hoping for a clearer answer on exactly what my calling in life is. Then again, it's no lie that God works in mysterious ways and I could never get a clear answer. I think I can become ok with that; you'll just have to keep reading blogs about the ambiguity of life...