Telling me to allow myself to feel my pain - to let it run its course - was probably the worst advice I'd ever gotten.

I've done that, and it hasn't been healing as promised. I had a near nervous breakdown a couple of a weeks ago. I was the absolutely lowest I'd ever been. And though I've been taking new medication for about 3 weeks now, nothing has changed.

And now that I've accepted my pain and not tried to deny it or change it, I can't get out of it. I'm in it all the time. And I physically hurt. I groan because of aches I didn't know I had. My body literally hurts from all of this. It's not just emotional anymore.

I can't see what good any of this is. Where's the moving on? Where's the hope and comfort? Where's the strength I'm supposed to have now? I am dumbfounded that I am at this point - after so much fighting, after bucking up for all these years - I am utterly and completely hopeless.

I don't know what to do. Should I move away from here? Stay? I don't know what my problem is, so how am I supposed to fix it? Am I scared? Am I tired? Am I selfish? Is my soul just sick? Geez, I don't know anything. All I can do is miss times when I didn't feel like this. Those times when my life felt promising, and bursting with hopes and dreams and somedays.

I don't know why I can't see them now.