In Time

Sometimes I cannot figure myself out; I feel in these moments grateful for others who also have been through similar situations. Clarification is in need here.

There are times when I am perfectly comfortable talking about past events. It's usually disconnection, supplemented with a heavy dose self-degradation (always humorous, of course). For example, the excuse "Yeah, I'm white trash" has come out of my mouth more times than I care to count. I talk flippantly about eating out of garbage cans, sleeping in cars, not bathing, and wearing dirty clothes.

Most recently, it was a topic of great self-pride; I had been through things no one else had gone through---and I am half-functional. I'm the first person in my biological family to go to college; I'm relatively intelligent; people seem to like me, generally speaking. Adamant adherence to socialist ideals has been a form of a defense mechanism, though I do feel strongly about humanity as commodity. But the idea that I had come out relatively unscathed has comforted me and made me feel strong.

But then I began talking about those events with sensitivity, and even started writing about certain incidents that pop up in my mind occasionally. Melissa and I talked about things all the time, and VZ and I would occasionally swap stories. Slowly I've felt the hard outer core peel away, and I find myself not weak, but vulnerable. And it hurts.

I can't talk about certain things without tearing up; it might be what has set me on edge these past few weeks. Talking with VZ today (crying, of course) I felt a little better. She said she used to poke fun at things that had happened to her, too, then she also went through a time where all of those things were incredibly painful for her. She says she switches back and forth between various feelings on it, but she's moved into a place where she's realized all the great things about her life and how those former things have helped her get to where she is now.

So I'm hoping, someday soon, to be there also. I'm thankful for people like VZ and Meli, who have helped me dig deep and confront the demons, in laughs and in tears.

In time. =o)