Freedom in Ambivalence

It's no secret I'm a black-and-white person; I think humanity in general feels most comfortable existing in poles. That middle ground - the grey area - is very discomforting, because it represents all the things we do not know. 

I don't think it's a coincidence that after the World Wars and theories proclaiming lack and the ever-elusive center, we've become obsessed with meaninglessness, or at least meaning collapsing in on itself. The black-and-whites of the world were only illusions after we experienced the catastrophes we did in the 20th century. 

Much of my time at Biola has been spent trying to figure out what the black-and-whites are, because I've believed that they exist. The more I search, though, the more they elude me. I'm becoming convinced that they do not exist, at least not in this world; there is far too much we don't understand. I don't think that means the universe is entropic and that all is meaningless; I do think, however, that meaning is far more complicated than we give it credit for. 

Poetry has been the greatest contributing factor to this conclusion. It also seemed like a mysterious thing of meaning to me; it held some secret message that, with enough prying, I could unlock and become a part of. I think poems can mean things, but they can mean many things. Even after a semester of studying and reading poetry, I can't point to any one thing that poetry itself means. It means so many things, just like I've come to believe writing and literature do. 

In a weird, twisted way there's freedom in this willingness to accede to ambivalence. When I think about it in conjunction with claims that Scripture makes, it's perfectly logical. There are things that just don't make sense unless you allow yourself to believe that poles coexist in tension: Predestination and freewill, dying to oneself in order to live, the first becoming last, becoming reborn, eternal life after mortal death, God dying to save the world. None of these ideas fit what appears to be the order of things, but if we believe in ambivalence they all make sense, precisely because they don't make sense. 

It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of me; the pressure isn't on me to prove the existence of God or decide right from wrong anymore. It's already there, I just may not understand it all right now. That's what living life is about, right? 

Damn I'm good; I should write for Lifetime.