I am jealous. I am jealous of so many people, and I hate that. I hate it because it means I'm terribly unhappy with the way things are. It takes what I do not have and dangles it in front of my face. The worst thing about it all is that jealousy is self-induced. I create my own jealousy, because I control my own happiness.
A little story: There is a girl that I have greatly admired. She's had incredible insight in class, is beautiful, peaceful, nice, etc. etc.; the list goes on. She is also the girl that a "certain guy" is in love with. She is also best-friends with one of my former best-friends, and close with people from my church, who do not even know my name. When I look at her, I feel a profound sense of being on the outside, while she is on the inside and soaking it up.
We do not even know each other; she might be able to recall my name, but that's doubtful. Actually thinking through my jealousy shows how irrational it is. When I look at what I do have, it's beautiful. All of it. Why would I care if there are some things I don't have? In the grand scheme of my life, those things I feel she has that should be mine are so tiny; there are also certain things she has that I could have as well. Who says I can't be closer to people at my church because she is? Who says we can't have the same friends?
This is just another step in the journey of self-acceptance. It's taking a hard look at myself and choosing, for once, not to hate what I see.
It's hard.
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