I told her what a fellow student had said in response to a question about Hillary Clinton creating an "Ask Hillary" web page: He smiled slyly and said that he'd ask her something about cooking.
Livid, I slammed my Asian-American book shut and walked out of class. I sat fuming in a chair just outside of the classroom. It took me so long to calm down that I'd missed the professor entering our classroom and didn't return to class until around 15 or 20 minutes after class had begun.
After class, I couldn't stop thinking about how angry that comment had made me; in fact, I thought about it into the weekend. I didn't sleep, and instead blamed it on not having enough to do or deadlines to keep me busy. In reality, it bothered me to have been so angry about such a flippant comment from someone I'll probably never see again after May. I had become the overly sensitive liberal feminist with a knack for angry outbursts; exactly the person I'd been attempting to avoid all along.
As my anger grew in one direction, my shame of hypocrisy grew in other; I had gradually become more liberal primarily in reaction to over confident, pompous Conservatives. For a while, my whole deal was that I didn't want to be an ignorant Conservative. In the past few weeks, it has become less and less about conservativism or liberalism and more about humanity.
And yet, here I was, a pompous, overly confident liberal feminist who made fun of traditionalistic, conservative White Christians. I realized I was still the same person, just with different ideas. Not much had changed.
That's why I needed to talk to my professor; she had been the most succinct example of a caring person who held the same ideas I did. She had influenced me towards those ideas, in fact. She never has an unkind word for anyone, but is passionate and thinks critically about social and political issues.
I told her about what happened last week and how angry these issues make me. I can't control the reddening of my face, my flailing arms, the rising of my voice. I am impassioned, and am inspired by other radical, impassioned speakers. But there are hoards of people frightened of overly-zealous people like me; besides, I didn't want to behave in the very way I was criticizing the other side of the spectrum for. Hypocrisy never makes a difference.
She told me firstly that she too has been angry about comments people have made regarding gender and race. But because she feels so strongly about those things, she realizes there is a need to stop and think: how can this be addressed without abusing her authority, making the other person feel stupid, but still engage in a meaningful discussion that leads toward understanding?
Ah; thinking. I know it so well, and yet it is a distant stranger. I allow thoughts to run through my mind; I think critically about issues constantly. But bringing all those thoughts together meaningfully and with the purpose of understanding and change---that is something I must work on.
I do not even feel that I have all the answers (a huge step for me). I do, however, feel that progress must continue in an integrative way without comprising essential ideals. Aggressiveness and passivity are easy to fall into. It is finding a middle ground (without compromise) that is the key; and a very difficult one to achieve at that.
Having a professor affirm my passion and anger meant the world to me. I have not often felt there was someone I could talk to that wasn't going through what I was at the same time. I have plenty of friends with which to work out these issues, but none who serve as a sort of mentor. Her, I feel, I can trust; she has thought about these things and speaks with experience.
At the same time, she stands as a shining example of acting in love and understanding so that progress is indeed made. I hope to be half of what she is someday.
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